Friday, July 18, 2008

Trying Very Hard Not To Drown............

We now have both DIA & I600 approval, I should be the happiest mommy in the world, but right now all I feel is sadness & guilt. I am so sad because this overwhelming need to hold my son is almost consuming me these days. It's been over 2 weeks now since our last approval, I should be applying for our visas & packing but instead we are still waiting for our "Decision of Adoption" from the leader of our province.
This same leader that doesn't appear to come to work every day because we have 2 other families ahead of us that still hasn't traveled yet because they are still waiting on him to sign theirs. Why does it have to be so hard?
After getting those 2 pictures last week and seeing how Zane is losing that chubby baby face, I just want to weep over all that I am missing. I should know better. Chloe is proof that God's timing is perfect, I truly know that with all of my being but I still miss Zane so much.
Thus, the guilt comes in.......I know I should be praising the Lord and I am. I continue to praise Him even though my heart is breaking because I have never held Zane or touched his sweet face. I have missed his first steps and I am to the point that I want to weep at the mere thoughts of how much longer it could be before we travel to Vietnam to bring our precious gift from God home. I am trying so hard to always thank God for Zane and for bringing us this far, but I am only human and this mother's heart wants her son home now. I want to cry out to my heavenly father and beg him to bring Zane home now, but yet, I know in my heart he isn't going to come home until God says, "It is time".
Please pray for me, but most importantly please pray for Zane............

8 comments:

Laurie said...

Teresa I am so sorry you are having a hard time. Cry out and beg. God knows your heart. He knows you are thankful. He knows you know He is in control and His timing is perfect. He knows you are having a hard time. It's OK, He loves you and I do to! It will be soon I just know it. You do have your I600 and that was the really big hurdle!

Big hugs my friend!

Laurie

Jenna said...

I'm so sorry. It's so hard to wait for them to come home.!!!

Robyn said...

I am so sorry. I am praying for you and Zane!!

Robyn

Kristi said...

I am always praying for Zane, but today I am especially praying for you my dear friend. Please don't be so hard on yourself, because you are human. God made us that way so he know there are times we are going to want something instead of waiting on it. So please give yourself a break, and rest your mind. I am so sorry you're having to go throught this again, but you of all people know the ending is going to be beautiful. So hang on my friend and let God comfort you until it is time to travel.. I praise God everyday for you, and Today I am going to pray for you like crazy. I hope you will be able to feel his love and mine today..

Kristi

Xadie's Journey said...

Oh girl, I really feel your pain. You have been through so much. You are almost there though. You need to breathe in and breathe out. This will all be behind you in just a couple of weeks.

One Busy Momma said...

I'm so sorry....
You are allowed to have days like this! You are allowed to miss him and grieve over what you have missed. Once you grieve, it will make that signature that much sweeter.
Praying this week brings you great news!

Denise

Candy said...

OH GIRL you have been such a ROCK during Zanes Process...its OK to lose it a bit...You are SO CLOSE and yet still so far away from your son...but its almost over and I can't wait to see your HES HOME POST

HUgs

Teresa and Norm said...

Prayers WILL bring him home Teresa and I am going to continue to pray for you and for Zane!!!! I know the ache to hod him as I feel it everyday as well. Hopefully we will be visiting Vietnam together!!!! Hang in there!