When you don't have the right words...............

I have stuggled the last few days with posting. What do I say? How do I put to words all the things that I am feeling and still know when I am finished that I was an encourager & not a discourager. For you see my faith has been tested over & over again this week and I have felt so defeated at times. Not just defeated but discouraged & disappointed. I am so disappointed in a system that doesn't put the children first, that should be our first priority shouldn't it? Bringing our children home where they will be loved, nurtured & cared for, and like so many other families like us, raised in a christian home. But unfortunately for so many of us our children are caught in between political struggles for power. It is our children that are the only true victims here for they are the ones that continue to grow older in orphanages all over the world just waiting for their mommy's & daddy's to come and get them & take them home where they will never be hungry or unsafe again.
Why does this have to be so hard? I ask that question every day and I use to think I finally had the answer. I had came to the point where I realized that the reason our journey to Chloe in Guatemala was so difficult & long was because I needed "refining", I needed it to be all about God and none of me, and it took time for God to get me to finally see that. I do see that now & I will always be grateful for how He changed me and I know Chloe was worth every tear shed, every sleepless night, and all 50 pounds that I put on during that 2 year wait. You would think it would be easier this time wouldn't you? Remember the post I wrote in the beginning about "Stepping out of the boat with faith & praising Him" or how about the one I wrote about "being still and knowing that He is God", I still believe exactly what I said then. I know God put us on this path to Zane, as my friend Kristin reminded me today, God not only led us to Zane but he has also provided financially, by blessing our hairbow fundraiser, our cookbook fundraiser, and even gave us $4,000 in grants. How awesome is that? And my friend April who I talk to at least 4 times a day who is going through her own trials now trying to get her beautiful daughter home from Guatemala who keeps trying to lift me up in prayers even though she herself needs lifting up and her journey to Marissa has been so stressful. Please pray for her! My friend Angie who has waited longer to bring Jayden home than we have Zane continues to send me LOL's to try to get me out of this ditch that I am in. And I am truly grateful for all of my blog friends & internet friends that I know God put in my path through adoption because the comments & emails are so uplifting.............
I told the Lord in the beginning I would not let this process consume me but it so hard now. We are so close but so far. We have approval from the US Government & the Vietnamese Government to bring our son home and yet we are no closer than we was 6 weeks ago. Nothiing is happening in our province to get him home and I don't understand why we are still waiting. How can our adoption be approved and we still sit here waiting for "good news"? This is Guatemala all over again, and it breaks my heart that I am feeling the way I do.
But tonight I must admit I am so tired..........
I honestly can't take much more, and I can't be an encourager to so many of my friends that are going through the same thing when I feel this way. Chloe's journey is part of my testimony, Zane's journey should be part 2, but it feels so wrong because nothing feels right anymore. I should be home from Vietnam right now but yet I am not, more importantly Zane is still there.
Why does it have to be so hard to bring our children home?
WHY?
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek His will in all you do,
and He will show you which path to take.

***Please let this be your prayer for me tonight***